So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
