so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
