sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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