Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Even my vagina gasped.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
