I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize