my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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