I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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