Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
