I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
