the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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