I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
