Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
