Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
someone owes me an orgasm
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
