i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize