I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
If I had your ass I would rule the world
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
