Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
