I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
