You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
