after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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