mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
