the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
