You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
