You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
