My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
