I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
