Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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