Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
