Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize