this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
