Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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