We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
