my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
