I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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