I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Let's paint friendship bongs
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
