Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
