I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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