Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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