on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
