Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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