his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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