Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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