Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
