Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
