Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
