its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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