I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize