just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
