I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
