My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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