I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
and you fell through a lawn chair
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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