i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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