You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
