Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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