Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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