Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
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