Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
